The narcissist projects his inner turmoil and drags everyone around him into a swirl of bitterness, suspiciousness, meanness, aggression and pettiness. His life is a reflection of his psychological landscape: barren, paranoiac, tormented, guilt ridden. He feels compelled to do unto others what he perpetrates unto himself. He gradually transforms all around him into replicas of his conflictive, punishing personality structures.

Some narcissists are more subtle than others. They disguise their sadism. For instance, they "educate" their nearest and dearest (for their sake, as they present it). This "education" is compulsive, obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical. Its effect is to erode the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence, to intimidate, to restrain, to control, to paralyse.

The narcissist deliberately confuses responsibility with guilt and demands compensation for his or her "sacrifices". By provoking guilt in responsibility-laden situations, the narcissist transforms life with him into a constant trial.

The narcissist-victim dyad is a conspiracy, a collusion of victim and mental tormentor, a collaboration of two needy people who find solace and supply in each other's deviations. Only by breaking loose, by aborting the game, by ignoring the rules - can the victim be transformed (and by the way, acquire the newly found appreciation of the narcissist).

The narcissist's partner should not feel guilty or responsible and should not seek to change what only time (not even therapy) and (difficult) circumstances may change. She should not strive to please and to appease, to be and not to be, to barely survive as a superposition of pain and fear. Releasing herself from the chains of guilt and from the throes of a debilitating relationship - is the best help that a loving mate can provide to her ailing narcissistic partner. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".


easy to understand, great insites   March 25, 2001
 14 out of 15 found this review helpful

It is so easy now to see how some people gets their way without you even being aware of it. Or how you know that it is happening but for some reasons can't stop it. Forward, as alway, is clear in her writing, helpful, friendly and deep.


The Definitive Guide on Emotional Blackmail   December 29, 1999
 9 out of 10 found this review helpful

Susan is brillant on this topic that affects every single person on this planet. It explains the the whole suject with examples. You get the reasons why people use EB and why we respond and ultimately she provides a classic method of dealing with people who use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you. It's more than effective. GET THIS BOOK if you want the score on EB.